I sure do have those!

as i was praying tonight i had a thought, which I do think was from God. and that is such a wonderfully good feeling, to feel that peace in your heart. especially when you’re struggling. it’s like a warm wonderful hug when you’re feeling unloved.

I’m struggling with motherhood right now. well, aren’t I always? but anyhow… my current struggle is such:

I’m feeling like I don’t have the resources, time or ability to mother properly. I feel like a failure. God gave me these children and sometimes I feel all I do is fail them. Zo’s need for me to have a proper diet – and furthermore I feel like I somehow caused him the problems he’s fighting with. maybe I did something when I was pregnant I shouldn’t? maybe all those teenaged years I spent eating nothing but junk caught up with me? maybe the medication I took to keep me from death when I was pregnant? for the first 20 weeks i was on a lot of meds. I worry so much I caused his problems.I worry so much that I can’t solve them. I eat so little and I still fail b/c it only help some. or for a while etc.

I fail at keeping our finances in good order the way I want to. I don’t spend much sans on food – but food costs are SO high when you can only eat certain things and you have 3 growing kids, and a husband and a ravenous nursing mom. I put a lot of effort into cooking and being a good steward of our money but i feel it doesn’t pay off much.

I fail at being the homeschooling mom I feel I want to be. I want to get up early in the AM and start school right away. I wanna provide a more formal schooling. I want to learn scriptures and recite poems, and tackle philosophy and wiz through math…. but each day passes and I feel I didn’t teach them enough. will they be behind? will the state of PA think I didn’t do enough? will they look back and wish I had sent them to school like their friends?

I fail at being the wife I want to be. I want to not have to ask Sean for so much help. I want to make his life easier and more rewarding. I want to be the wife of the 1950’s magazines! always dressed up pretty, with a clean house and happy little children so he can smile and think how wonderful life is.

and I want Kittycat to stop struggling with SPD. she’s in such a bad place right now. she can hardly walk straight again. she screams instead of talks. she has nightmares frequently – calling out in her sleep. and she constantly has headaches again. I think from the stress. and no matter how badly I want I can’t get her to a better place in the time frame I want.

I want to be thinner, and prettier, and smarter. I want to have talents and be creative and artistic. I want to like me and how I look and who I am.

as I prayed over this tonight i realized something. this is all about what I want. and yes, for sure I am wanting good things. these are all good things. but that isn’t the point. I need to be seeking after what GOD wants. what does he want me to do? how does he want me to mother? how does he want me to care for my dearly loved husband? how does he desire me to homeschool?

I chewed over this for a while. doesn’t he want my kids to have good schooling? doesn’t he desire my baby to be well? and my daughter to not struggle? and for this house to have some measure of discipline and structure? isn’t this good stuff for me to want? It seems all the good moms I know online through blogs have structured happy homes. why shouldn’t I want that too?

that’s when I felt God give me that warm peaceful feeling. the small release. the one that says, “I am God. I am in control.”

God desires a different thing from all of us. I don’t know why. or how. or for what purpose, other than His glorification. But perhaps form some women he does desire a super structured house. maybe that’s thei calling and to yield to it is obedience. perhaps he desires some wives to be able to keep grocery costs down to a bare minimum, as that is their calling and to do so would be obedience…. we aren’t all called to the exact same place or work.

so what does He desire of me? what can I do to obey? well I know he doesn’t want me feeling like a failure all of the time. and He can’t wish me to beat my head against the wall in constant frustration. but what do we know He does want?

• I know He wants me to wake up ready to serve Him with a servant’s heart even if it doesn’t seem “productive” enough a plan to me.
• I know He wants me to lead my example to my children more than by strict schedule.
• I know He wants me to always be available to love on and talk with my husband whenever he needs it, even if I can’t provide him with a “perfect home”.
• I know He wants me to be very responsible with the money he gives me and let Him worry about meeting my bills. and let Him get the glory when our bills are met regardless of how high our grocery bill is.
• I know He wants me to work on my cooking and baking skills continually so I can keep learning how to cook everything we need from scratch so I can be as responsible as i can with our money and our health.
• I know He wants me to tailor my life to the needs of MY family, regardless of how other family’s are. maybe that means being flexible and letting for of my ideals of a low grocery bill, a scheduled day and a quiet home.
• I know He wants me to be a soft place for KC to rest her head. Not a condemning angry parent who makes her feel unloved and unwanted or broken. He wants me to help build her character and her strength so she can learn to lean on Him to help her through her struggles. Her struggles, even as a child, are hers. they are not mine. and i cannot solve them for her. I can only be there to help her and lead her to the cross.
• I know He wants me to be loving and available and NOT resentful of my baby boy no matter how often he wakes at night, pukes ALL over me, or needs my rocking arms. I know He wants me to do the best I can for Zo, and leave it up for God to heal his stomach pain and allergies/reflux in His timing. To be a loving soothing comfort to Zo every day regardless of his good days and bad days.
• I know He doesn’t wish me to blame myself that 2 out of my 3 children have chronic colicy pain as babies and lend themselves towards fussiness and constant waking episodes.
• I know He wants me to rejoice and give praise to Him, instead of worrying about what other’s think of my life.
• I know He wants my heart. not my ideals, not my perfection, not my wishes and desires. and certainly not MY plans for my life. He wants my heart and devotion. my wholehearted devotion.
• and I KNOW he wants me to let Him cover me with His grace because He knows I cannot possibly, no matter how I wish or try, ever succeed without Him.

I am uncomfortable in life right now. I wish for so many things to be easier. but I cannot deny He is working on me. teaching me and showing me the selfishness in my heart. things i would never have recognized as selfishness and pride unless I was put into this position. and I don’t believe it’s because God desires to throw my fault in my face, but I think He knows that I can’t find happiness unless my faults are brought to the brim and scooped off. and you can’t do that, unfortunately, without a little fire under the pot.

God is so good. I know He is. the exhaustion of life, the worry of a mother’s heart, and the desire to live up to our own ideals often get in the way of seeing His incredible goodness.

I am never happier than when I lay it all down. every desire. every wish for my life. every ideal for my house. and yet still…. still I can’t manage to get on a full time routine of laying it all down. Is till fight to pick it all back up and be on my own little way. I see a happy family and desire to mimic them thinking if I do things their way then our house will be happy. I will be happy too. but happiness ONLY comes from obedience. not from mimicking happiness. other happy people do the same thing – they obey. that’s how they become happy. not through seeking happiness.

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