Since a few new people are reading my blog, I figure I should add this disclaimer again…

In the interest of modesty and honesty I wanted to say – If  you would like to keep up on the LaFianzoo family, but would prefer not read the open and occasionally graphic posts about birthing and breastfeeding– or if the thought of blood, breast milk, or cervical mucous makes you lightheaded, you can stick with reading Sean’s blog.   He’s keep things a bit lighter in that area. I frequently and openly discuss, amongst other things; birth and breastfeeding in detail on my blog.

it is snowing… a lot. it’s 3am (don’t go there!) and it’s like 5 inches. but nobody is awake and so it’s beautiful and sparkling! no dirty footprints to ruin it! ahhhh… I just love fresh snow. it’s so clean and beautiful.

funny thing is, I HATE playing in snow. I can hardly tolerate the coldness on my feet and hands. I admire from a window or porch. maybe I can coax the dad to go play out with the kids tomorrow… after all, someone has to stay in and watch the baby, right? and I have to fresh milk supply, so I guess it has to be me.

we’re calling to get 6–12 inches. back home in Maryland is calling for 18-24. Apparently the clouds got confused. They forgot Pennsylvania is the state that gets senseless amount of snow dumped on it all winter long. but this year the Baltimore area has gotten more than 40 inches already! I don’t recall every having such a snowy winter in Maryland before.

a few people have emailed to ask me or encourage me about what to do with this blog. I so appreciate the concern and love! you all are great!

I assure you it’s no dramatic thing. Due to a few circumstances in my life I need to move in a new direction. My kids are getting older and I’m feeling a little concerned with sharing so much so publicly – to be available to be scrutinized my friends, family and strangers alike. I started blogging about certain things like SPD and my spiritual journey as an outlet. it serves to let friends and family know what I’m up to/thinking/how the kids are etc… and I’ve also found my online community I really enjoy. But…. the kids are getting older. and the internet isn’t always a nice place. sure, more good people than bad. but nonetheless I am realizing I need to be a bit more conscious about sharing things publicly in this sort of way. things that can be thrown back in my face, misinterpreted, misused, or even misrepresented… well, frankly it’s becoming a concern to me.

So from now on I’m takig a new approach….

firstly, if you want to know anything about my life – who I am; how I am; what I believe; how my kids are…. you name it – ASK ME. I’ll be happy to share it with you   email, call, send me a letter… whatever. I am always ready to talk! if you’re a friend and care to really know about me, please do take the time to ask.

secondly I will be keeping this blog (for now atleast) for basic family updates. the more innocent things. it will not longer be the “daily walk through my thoughts” it has been and instead it will serve as rather a neutral update for those of you who would like to know basics of our lives. It will be bland, that may be. but it will be rather safe. But here family, friends and yes, even strangers – can get  little taste for how we are. why would they want to? I don’t know really heh. guess that’s up to them!

thirdly, I will still be blogging about my daughter, our struggles with SPD and so forth, but on a very private format for only my closest friends. It will be password protected and not google searchable. that way I know my audience and feel safe sharing about the semi-private things. blogging about such things has been wonderful help to me 0 especiallt because of the feedback and assurance I get from other special needs mom (Anne – you’ve been especially helpful to me the last couple of years! I hope you know how much I appreciate your sincerity!)

forthly, this is not about running away nor sticking to to anyone or anything like that. it’s about me realizing this is probably what’s best for our family. I sincerely hope to not loose any readers – but I am sure I will. *sigh* not much I can do about that one.

fifthly (wow this is turning out to be a LONG list here…) I will still be blogging at nibblesandvittles.com sharing recipes and tips and such.

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**If anyone would like me to contact them with my new semi-private blog password info when I set it up, please let me know. leave me a message or email. I will ask though, that I either know you, or you have a blog that I can read to see you are, in actuality, a real person

thanks, friends (and family). your feedback has been so thoughtful and much appreciated.

I have always aimed to be open and real on my blog. What would be the purpose of pretending to be another? (well, likely it would make my blog a lot more popular! heh) but… I feel compelled to be who I am. I’m not good at pretending, which is one reason I was never popular in any area of my life.

perhaps this realness is too much for some to handle. perhaps I am too honest.

I have been very open about what my daughter is going through, the struggles of my baby boy’s diet and sleep, and mostly my own personal religious journey. I figured it is important to be honest as perhaps somewhere someone out there has gone through or will go through what I am. they can be a beacon to me or i can be a comfort to them. humanity reaching out to humanity by the simple act of being open.

With a heavy heart I realize that this openness may have been not a good idea. my desire to be “real” and “honest” has been compromised by other’s desires to be hurtful and speculative. rude, nasty and hurtful assumptions made. insults thrown. that’s all I will say about that. my heart is torn and hurt. and I am left to make a decision… do I trudge on my own way and ignore such silly drama? or do I tighten up (yet again) in fear of man? for myself? I have no problem dealing with these things… but my children are at stake now. their hearts are tender and innocent and I can no longer allow this openness to continue for fear it could come back to haunt THEM in time. I wonder to myself how they would feel if they knew the things that were said. I just can’t continue on in light of that.

I will, unfortunately, no longer be able to blog about sensitive topics openly. my daughter’s struggles with sensory processing disorder, my son’s struggles with allergies and sleeping… and my spiritual trials and journey will no longer be recorded for public view. the reality is, it’s not worth even the smallest chance it could hurt them.

I have yet to decide how I will go about this. perhaps open a private password protected blog for personal stuff and keep this blog here for more public-friendly things. things which I don’t mind anyone reading. stuff that can’t be used hurtfully etc…  maybe I’ll stop blogging all together. I really don’t know and I’m very unsure about it right now.

Blogging is something I really find joy in. I enjoy writing period. I enjoy getting to know the many wonderful souls I have through having a blog. I aimed to write positively about other people — living to the code of never writing anything I would be ashamed of anyone knowing. But I see now that isn’t enough. it’s not just about writing positive and un-shameful things. it’s also about other’s ability to twist or misrepresent what I do say. and what damage that could potentially create.

I have to pray over this so I’m not sure where it will go. I will let you all know when I know.

until then I guess I’m on a bit of a sabbatical.

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I am reading the loveliest book.

“raising your spirited child“.

it is great. I mean really really good. I have been praying for God to send me encouragement and guidance for so long with my kids… especially the girl. she is a challenge. she is one of those children that needs not a loud directive, but a creative direction. and I know this… but frankly I’m worn out lately. I needed knew ideas. I’ve been praying and praying for ideas… I know what she needs but I can’t seem to find the right way to do it. as I don’t know any real-life moms with special needs kids, I needed some inspiration.

then at the library I stumbled upon this book. it’s PERFECT!  this isn’t a parenting book. it’s not a discipline book. and it’s NOT a culturally guided “this is the one and only way to raise a child” kinda book…. because by now you all should know how much I despise strongly dislike those books. this is a book that creative solutions to help sensitive children work through things and enjoy life. how to help them work through their strong emotions instead of well….. instead of getting so annoyed with their lack of ability to conform to your will and start screaming at them. (NOT that I ever do that…. *ahem*). This book doesn’t label your kid. it doesn’t make them “bad” or “good”. and it doesn’t take control from you – but it helps spur ideas.

I guess what I’m getting at is it’s just one of those books you think “why didn’t I think of that?!” it’s just so common sense obvious.

and… it’s working!!! it’s working!!!

KC because of her … well, let’s call it “flare up” since moving this to house, has had to be called down a lot lately. and though I MUST call her down, separate her, and discipline her (for she can’t really be allowed to throw the baby in the air like a basketball or toss baskets of folded laundry on the floor so she can make a boat from the basket) it is effecting her self worth very clearly. it’s also putting a huge strain on our relationship as mother and daughter. I realized because of the stress I’m feeling I was pushing her away a little. not on purpose, but out of exhaustion. and it was making things far worse. so I upped the touch – I make sure she gets LOTS of hugs and kisses. I’ve been spending more one on one time intermittently with her. she is helping me bake and we read together more… etc. I see an improvement in her spirit. not because she’s behaving perfectly, but because she is happier.the behaviour is my secondary goal – my first is to make sure she feels good about her and this family she is a part of.

it’s really hard as a parent not to let our responsibility to discipline get in the way of our responsibility to love our child. we must never hold grudges against our children. we must not count and total up their wrongs. pick them apart. make them pay. we must NEVER shame a child so that he feels low of himself. God gave us this child… and we do not control or own them. it is our job to guide, teach… and most importantly LOVE them as they learn things.

some kids learn easy. some don’t. some have no trouble seeing things our way. some do. it doesn’t make them good or bad. it doesn’t make them any less worth showing love to if their disobey our rules. every child should be loved.

LOVE is unconditional. love is accepting a person where they are and for whom they are… even if it’s not what we wish them to be.

that of course doesn’t mean we should allow the kids to act however they want. nor disrespect us. no way! it would be unloving to them to let them behave such an awful way. but that has nothing to do with our love. we love regardless of what we get back. love love love. and love some more.

I KNOW this to be true… but in the midst of a trial – a tantruming difficult child can push you to limits you didn’t know you had. They make you feel ugly feelings that you didn’t know one could feel about their own offspring.  You must FORCE yourself to feel love when you feel anger. you must force yourself to be gentle when you feel like wailing and railing. you must force yourself to be kind when you feel resentful. Sure, they may have reasons for trantrums, fights, and disobedience – but when it’s all said and done, it’s exhausting. you start viewing them as problems that need fixing instead of children that need loving. well, that’s the case for me, anyhow.

it is good and right to love an obedient, easy going, easily trainable child. but is is holiness to love a child that is difficult. the same love that the Father has for us, might I add.

I think something I am really seeing as I get older… children are in control of themselves. they should not be taught to simply obey – what good would that do them in the long? they should be taught to understand themselves. their feelings, thoughts, actions and words. they should be taught to see how it effects themselves and others around them. THIS is giving them real life tools they need in this world. If we can manage to show unconditional love to a difficult child, just imagine how much that will help her/him in their adulthood when we are not around to tell them which is right and which is wrong.

sensitive children had a hard time blocking out the many things in this world that call for their attention. SPD kids notice everything… EVERYTHING. they notice the wind on their cheeks, the seams in their socks, the smells in the air, the lights from the window, the heaviness of a blanket…. you name it, they notice it. They have an increase in sensitivity, but a decrease in ability to filter and block it out. and this is not a lesson that is learned quickly and easily. they will fail and fail and fail again. and each time we have to open our arms wide and congratulate them on a job well done just like it was the very first time.

and that’s just how it is… whether I like it our not. because that is the responsibility of a parent. I am a parent, and i need to get over my selfish outlook and realize I have a precious jewel of a child that needs help while she deals with a life that’s just flying at her. I need to help her find HER place in this world.

this book is so encouraging!! anyone with a SPD kid (or similar) should give it a read. it’s nothing novel. just good old common sense. it’s just spawned so many good feelings and ideas from my own brain that I can’t remember which stuff came from the book and which was my own additions – I think that’s the way a good book should be.

the boy kids are sick… but not the girl kid. who knows why? Zo started puking after waking shortly after bedtime. he puked off and on for about an hr and a half. poor kid was horrified! he’s been sleeping in my arms off and on most of the night but I finally put him down. I don’t like to leave puking babies to sleep by themselves so Sean brought his playyard down to the living room for me. Guppy just feels bad and didn’t fall to sleep until almost midnight, but no puking. we all ate the same thing (always do) except Zo of course! (who I guess ate by way of me.)

It’s been rough here lately. In fact since we have moved to this house. Kat’s only gotten worse and worse and we’re started to wonder if it really is the house (radon and lead – both of which her AK tests her positive for). We’ve tried  to think of everything other thing to help her and nothing does. We’ve done everything we can and she just wont budge in much improvement. the itching has lessened but everything else is still up in the air. frankly, I miss my child. I miss not dealing with 1002 tantrums every single day. Zo doesn’t sleep. and i mean he DOESN’T sleep. who ever heard of a 9 month old that wakes every 1-2 hrs around the clock. I mean sure we could let him cry – but it wouldn’t change the fact that he wakes up. but of course, I’ve mentioned this only 100 times before. nothing’s new. he sleeps worse now than when he was 2 moths old which is more than mildly discouraging. sleep deprivation with TWO high need children is proving to be more of a nightmare than with only one. go figure! I’m becoming a complete hermit. I don’t leave the house ever. EVER. unless it’s the grocery store. it’s ridiculous. but it’s cold, I have a tantruming 5 yr old in a 7yr old’s body and I live on 4 or 5 interrupted hours of sleep. I miss people! I really do.

Sean and I spent time in prayer this evening. our days are so hectic (and so are our nights) we have to MAKE time to pray. I mean like really really hard – so here we are at 2am in the living room praying – trying not to fall to sleep. I felt like yelling at God, “don’t you hear me up there!?! where ya been lately!?” to be honest.

I admit, I’m worn thin. I’m frazzled and feeling a  bit sorry for myself. I’m so worried over Kat. I’m worried over Zo and I’m even worried about the lack of proper schooling I provide for Guppy these days. (anything that child learns is by the grace of God!) and frankly I’m worried sick of Haiti. all the people hurting and lost. without food or shelter or comfort…. or HOPE. it hurts me so deeply I find it troublesome to sleep.

THIS is where I usually end my posts with saying some positive “but God is so good” kinda thing. but to be honest, I’m struggling. I’m doubting, worrying. fretting. and I’m mostly just completely and totally exhausted on every level. so, maybe somebody else could say it for me this time… stand in the gap for me?

The baby is teething like mad (isn’t he always these days?!) and wont sleep. I’ve been on the couch with him sitting up all night. (why do miserable baby’s like you to be miserable? if I laydown he wakes!!! if I sit up uncomfortably he’ll snooze and snooze lol) I finally put him down and just needed to do something for a minure for a change of pace. it’s nearly 6am and I am exhausted. will I look back one day when I’m old and grey  [errr.... greyer than I am now] and think how sweet these moments were?

I find myself angry at myself AND God over my insomnia. I have always struggle with insomnia. it takes serious work to make sure I am in bed and sleeping at night. I am like an infant with a bedtime routine. it’s ridiculous! I have this certain pattern of things i go through every day so I can sleep well. it’s always been a bit of a burden to me and my family.  to be honest it’s a deep source of insecurity to me. a good mom should be up with the birds, ahead of their kids… cheery and fresh faced to face the world. making scrambled eggs and toast and blah blah blah… but me? well I go through phases of being that mom.. but mostly it’s me trying to be even remotely in the same planet as that mom. I’m lucky to dress before 2pm. I am just so very tired. I don’t want my kids to think I’m lazy and good for nothing. I don’t want them to think I choose to stay up all night b/c I’m irresponsible.

I wont even get into how hard it is to take care of a high-needs baby when you’re severely sleep deprived!

so yeah… I guess it may not seem like a huge deal, but it is to me. not sleeping takes it toll on my health, mental state, emotions, and family. Sean often rearranges his schedule so I can sleep in or nap. and it’s just NOT the kinda wife I want to be. He’s so good to me and I get to feeling guilty. :::insert pity party:::: I want to do more for him.

I’ve been angry at God – I had JUST gotten my sleep schedule down. for almost 9 months of my pregnancy I was sleeping like a semi-normal person. my insomnia was down to a minimum. and then I have a baby who turns out- is just like me. doesn’t sleep. and now it’s been nearly 9 months. I am WORN out. I’m up all night with him regularly. and I’m not angry at him (if anything I have sympathy!) but I am SO tired. he sleeps worse then he did when he was 2 months old! add to that he’s often crabby, clingy and fussy during the day and I just feel attacked on all sides. I NEED A BREAK! I adore him, I just need sleep.

But…. God doesn’t seem to think so. heh.

so after having a sleep deprivation induced temper tantrum the other morning, which I took out on my poor defenseless can opener and cookie jar (no really, I did….. just ask Sean who refrained from having me committed to an asylum) I took a LONG nap. Sean gave Zo some rice milk (which caused him to cry and fuss for a whole day afterwards) and let me sleep. I couldn’t deal anymore. Zo had been teething his 3rd tooth and he was MISERABLE. even at night he was crying… just UGH!

I had a big pity party fussing at God. why would he give me a child who didn’t sleep knowing how badly I struggle with my own insomnia!? is just doesn’t seem fair at all!!

and then I realized something. as much as I didn’t want to realize it…. how awful would it be to be dealing with a baby who doesn’t sleep if I didn’t have the ability to be awake at night? If I think its bad now… how much worse would it be if I weren’t the type that would stay up all night long? and then I did something I hadn’t done in a long time…

I thanked God. not for making me an insomniac! but… well… for just being good. for giving me blessings that I dont see. or blessing that I can’t see b/c I’m too angry about not getting things my way.

and that’s all…. I’m still an insomniac. my baby is till up all night. I am still tired. I’m still wishing I could sleep at night. but it felt good to say “thank you”. sometimes thanking God is more helpful then fussing at Him.

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*** Just for the record, I have tried taking melatonin but it all it resulted in was many nightmares. it was actually terrifying to the point I’d rather be an insomniac. not sure what else to do anyhow if Zo wont cooperate. when I’m not nursing I take something to make me sleep if t gets really bad… but that doesn’t fix it. maybe one day I will figure it out!

since i haven’t said much about how she is doing lately I figured I should. thanks to all who have prayed for her.

After recovering from the shock of her regressing so much out of nowhere (which we honestly didn’t think possible and she’s come so far in many ways) we were able to re-structure things a bit. She’s doing a little better now for sure. she hasn’t complained if itching in days (thank God!) and she is sleeping better. here is what we have done:

• starting her old “therapies” for her legs and muscles (various massages and joint pressure techniques)
• taking magnesium 3 times a week
• EEP hen she’s really stressing
• cut away her naps so she sleeps better at night
• replaced her daytime nap with a “rest time”in her room with books, legos or drawing etc (she needs the alone time even though she fights it. otherwise things get really bad at night!)
• bought her some new clothes that are “soft” enough. no hems or scratchy things
• started turning her socks inside out again so the seams don’t hurt or scratch
• giving instructions in in short sentences. (too much confuses her and causes tantrums)
• have her repeat back what we say to make sure we understand one another (this one is hard b/c she doesn’t like being told what to do! lol)
• encouraging lots of creative play and art (drawing, dolls  legos)
• talking slowly to her and letting her talk as much as she needs to (it helps her relax)
• spending one on one time with her (that’s hard with 3 kids!!!)
• fish oil in her diet again

but one of the biggest things is that we have been encouraging her to pick out her own clothes. and letting her wear pants out even though Sean and I both do not like girls in pants as a rule. but really? it’s a small battle- I can’t imagine wearing something that hurt me to wear! so she occasionally wears pants on bad days -cotton seamless things. this has helped tantrums emmensly – and when her clothes aren’t bothering her she is able to listen and communicate much better. it was a serious sensory overload to her. to be hoenst this was a soft spot for me. as a child I refused to wear anything that wasn’t cotton pants. I went a whole year wearing 3 different pairs of sweatpants. I remember being just totallu overwhelmed at school b/c the seams in my jeans hurt so badly. I know it seems funny but i still HATE jeans and I am incredibly picky about my clothing. which is why I have a very limited wardrobe. it’s one of my biggest challenges actually – finding modest clothes that doesn’t feel horrible on my skin. I will never understand how Amish where capedresses. oh my word – it’s like wearing burlap sack to me! btu I assume not everyone feels things the way I do. Sean can wear almost anything and it never bothers him at all. Eli too. me and Eva are the ones who change outfits 3 times before going anywhere!

so yeah… she is still tantrumming. it’s really difficult. when she was 2 people would stare and sympathize with minimal judgment – try taking a 5 yr old who LOOKS like a SEVEN yr old out to the store and seeing her get on the floor and tantrum. we never give in… but a person with SPD has a very hard time learning. they will do the same thing 100 times and never win and still do it again. I always just pray they wil see that my two boys are behaving themselves and acting proper and realize we arne’t just letting her act badly, but that she has special needs. but ouch does it hurt my pride when people stare. I’m sure they all think I need Dr. Phil or something.

It is SO hard not to yell. I admit it. it REALLY REALLY is. the other day she threw a tantrum bigger than I have seen in a long time. it was, as usual, over nothing. But since I refused to give into the unreasonable request (and she refused to accept my help) she ended up not getting what she wanted and her tantrum was worse than I’ve seen. I kindly stood my ground and she began totally freaking out. so I did exactly the opposite of what I wanted to do (throw her out of the car and leave her!!) and I offered to have her come sit by me and calm down. I tried to help her work through it.

the more this continues the more I realize something. her tantrums are not about will. their aren’t about getting her way. they are about her not knowing how to handle disappointment. she also doesn’t know how to handle all the feelings she has inside  – they build up and then let loose. and you know what? I did the SAME thing at her age. I remember it vividly. and you know what was going through my head the whole time? it WASN’T  “I better get my way!” it was “why can’t I control myself? nobody loves me b/c I am so bad!” and i see the same thing in Kat. she tries to hold it together. and me coming down hard on her only made it harder for her to control herself. so now? I’m taking the quiet gentle approach as much as the situation will allow. I don’t condone her or give in to demands. But i do offer my shoulder to cry on a lot more. this almost always stops the tantrum before it becomes worse. I just hold her til she’s feeling better and able to work through her anger or disappointment andI see a huge improvement. this takes a lot of patience and time. time that I used to think I didn’t have available. but I have since realize it I better make time for it if I want her to have a healthy upbringing.

of course, don’t think I’m a saint! and it’s not a cure-all. regardless of what I do and how perfect my response is, sometimes she remains ugly, nasty and selfish. and sometimes she ends up in a lot of trouble because of it and sometimes I lose it and yell at her, send her to her room and pray the neighbors don’t call the cops on us when they here her wails from uptairs. But any progress is good progress. and she’s much better than she was a month ago.

it is very hard to not let our frustration of the situation cloud our love for our child. this is the most trying thing of it all. to be honest, it is simply no easy to love a child who is tantrumming and difficult. It is EASY to love Guppy because he’s sweet and thoughtful and hardly ever complains. But well… Kat… Kat is someone I really have to try with. but I have decided that sometimes the love we have to work hard for, is the most loving love of all. Though I get so upset with Kat, my love for her runs so deep. nothing could ever come between that love.

Kat: hey mom, can you braid my hair for me?

Me: Sure, come here and i’ll braid it.

Kat: OK because I want to be a snail and snails don’t have hair. they just have brown spots.

me: ok sure, that sounds reasonable.

(I have never heard her talk about snails before.)

Forgive the couple of double posts over at NibblesandVittles and here. I had written some stuff for that site before it went wonky and then just published it here… and now it’s back up and… well… whatever. I guess i cheated. but who’s counting? I don’t have that much time on my hands to come up with content, people. I gotta work with what I got.

anyhow, Sean worked his geek-magic again and got the place looking a little more streamlined. well, stream-lined for me. I DON’T do “web 3.0″ or whatever. I don’t get it. how can the web have a 2 much less a 3? I’m not getting it… maybe it’s a guy thing? I don’t know. but I know I can’t stand anything called “graffiti” when it has to do with web design. gag. (when did I become such a girl? once upon a time – in the distant past – I was considered “web-savvy”… back when they used to say things like “web-savvy”. yeah…. nevermind…)

Nibbles&Vittles.com

“no really. it did! I promise, Sean. I’m not making it up. I posted a bunch of recipes only for them to disappear… and then.. get this.. REAPPEAR again… and then disappear once more.” [in my most convincing voice ever]

This was met with the “sympathetic” look from my beloved. not sympathy over my lost recipes… but let’s be honest … it was sympathy over my lack of computer-intelligence that I really think that wordpress could eat my posts! heh

But Sean is never ever one to try and make someone feel stupid. He’s rather patient and understanding even when you ARE stupid. But, as  I’ve known him since I was practically a fetus, I have begun to to recognize his faces. THAT face was a face that said “oh brother!” all over it!

But I was right! BAM! justified! Wordpress DID eat my posts – so boo-ya! [what does that even mean anyway?]

and Sean, because he is not only sympathetic and understanding, but also humble says “hey! you were right! it’s happening to my sites too!”

and then he worked his crazy GEEK-MAGIC and sent some emails to the south pole or Russia or something and then BAM! we’re back in business. (ok well except for the minor glitch that MY recipes are still not up – but atleast HIS are – and HIS are what makes the money in this house so that’s fine by me!)

If it weren’t for Sean I would never be able to turn this computer on to begin with. pshaw- who am I kidding? I couldn’t have hooked it up. (though I do give myself enough credit that I think I could manage to open the box). I am lucky to have a sweet and geeky husband who makes my internet work with his crazy geek magic.

beside… I confess that he does have due reason to doubt my claim that wordpress ate my posts. See… whenever I have a problem and I just am sick of trying it [say... opening a jar of sauce?] I get so melodramatic like I do on only very rare occasions and I say things like “HONEY!!! this stupid dummy idiot thing wont open no matter what I do!!! It’s broken!!!!!” and then viola, as the words come out of my mouth it opens. and then I say something like “oh! nevermind… it opened” and continue on my way. he’s used to the drama.

this happens about 12 times a week minimum… and he only laughs at me sometimes.

I love you Sean <3<3<3