maybe it’s b/c I’m a doula… pregnancy and birth are a part of my routine thinking. maybe it’s because I have 3 kids… whom I have birthed! I don’t now. But so much in mind relates to birth.

The trials of life, for instance. When you are young and preparing for adulthood it is much like a first pregnancy. You have excitement, fear, and most importantly ideals and plans. How your life will be. How it will feel. How you will think, act and do. And then you become an adult and it is much like your first experiences as a mother – a learning experience. It’s wonderful, but usually in the ways you never expected. It’s very hard, but generally in ways you thought you’d handle better. And though it may be good, it’s rarely exactly like the picture you painted in your head of how it would be when…

The trials of life sometimes feel like giving birth naturally to me. sometime they are easier than you expect! you get through them quickly and you feel self assured and confident and very good about yourself. You pat yourself on the back and beam with pride at a job well done! That is such a lovely feeling! but usually? Usually you feel vulnerable and exhausted. Excitement turn into work. Work turns into anxiety. And you feel this constant war between faith that it WILL end and good WILL come from it…. and a deep fear that this will never end and you just may die from this pain after all.

When I tell people my last labour was only 4 hrs I often get the “well wow that wasn’t so long! how wonderful!” and truly that us a wonderful thing. But the thing we often don’t realize is that when we are in labour we have NO idea when it will end. This 4 hr labour was the hardest labour I have ever been through. I must be gritty and a honest, I truly wondered if I might die from the pain. I was so overwhelmed with fear and terror at some points that I remember praying that if I die Sean would know how to deliver the baby from my lifeless body. and then… and then… he came. he was born. And it was over. I was alive he was alive. Just like that. In under 4 hours.

With trials time only means something in hindsight. It means NOTHING to say to a labouring mom in the midst of contractions “only 20 more minutes!”.  or to a mom in the midst of pushing out a asynclitic baby “just 3 more pushes!”. in birthworld you’re mind is on the task at hand, it isn’t on time. you’re not looking at the clock for relief. You’re busy working, you’re busy praying, and rejoicing and begging for more strength.

When we are in a trial in our life (sometimes private, sometime not) it is never our first though that this too shall pass. We want relief NOW. We want to push that trial and birth it out and rejoice in the new life. We want the glory of the situation without the pain of the trial.

Bbut as any naturally birthing mother will tell, even the hardships of the most difficult of labours IS part of the joy. Though there is blessing, rejoicing and wonder in every birth… there is nothing like the feeling of having given birth while feeling all of the emotions and pain and joys of the birthing process. Sometimes the harder the birth, the bigger the rejoicing! The more connected we feel. Our healing is faster inside and out.

Right now I am going through some trials. Nothing horrible on the ourside, but on the inside it’s tearing me apart. It’s between me and God. and I want the easy way out. I want relief NOW! But God keeps reminding me that running away isn’t the answer. There is no epidural for life! As much as I don’t want to, the only way to conquer this trial is to just go through it. go through it. and make it to the otherside.

This post isn’t about convincing anyone of the superiority of natural birthing! It’s about realizing that there is more than one way to run away. Sometimes we go through the motions in life, but we run away in our hearts. We avoid the painful feelings. We pretend we aren’t struggling with our faith. We act as if we have it all together, but on the inside we are torn apart. The only way to mend it is to let go. Lean into the pain instead of running from it. Cry when we feel hurt. Rejoice when we feel sad. confess when we feel angry or misunderstood. And never ever blame God for our pain.

whoever has been praying for me, thank you. I can tell someone is praying for me… as odd as that sounds. there is a certain feeling you get when someone is talking to God on your behalf.

thank you. I needed it! and your prayers are working   I am feeling a lot better.

Friday will be our last day here, God willing. (I say God willing because it seems 1001 tings are going terribly wrong right now, but I’m praying for small miracles, no reason to believe it wont work itself out)

I do ask for prayers if you are the praying kind. I’m finding myself very exhausted in a way I just can’t seem to get past. No matter how much I try to rev up my energy I keep falling to sleep. Now it’s obviously lack of sleep, but lack of sleep is nothing new to me. why it’s deciding to bother me so much right now I’m unsure. But it’s lousy timing! I’ve upped my iron intake and a few other things to see if that gives me a boost. I sure hope it kicks in soon *yawn* because I can hardly keep my eyes open. …. and NO I’m not pregnant, I promise.

Zo is currently getting 5 teeth. No really, I am totally serious. FIVE. He also ha a cold and his nose is dripping like a faucet. He isn’t sleeping much at all. But the good news is that he was sleeping 3-5hr chunks atleast twice a night until the teething.  I pray with every prayer in me that God allows him to keep sleeping like he was. It was wonderful!

There is a whole lot going on in our lives right now. sometimes I don’t know how Sean and I stay afloat. Maybe our standards are dropping lol… maybe what we consider floating now has changed! who knows…

In 2 days we will be in our new home. it’s weird. scary. and strange. I don’t know what the heck we’re going to VA for! heh but I know we’re supposed to go.

one day I will blog again. for real. I’m not just saying that. honest…

I haven’t even started another blog yet.

We’ve been very sick, and then immediately following took a very large trip that took over a week. (I’ll expound upon that one later.)

I have so much to say and no time to say it. moving (yes, again) is in our near future. I find myself so exhausted – I hardly have time to sleep. I write blogs in my mind, but rarely have the time to actually type them.

I have been aiming to make a private blog. aiming. I get online in hopes to start one and something happens. actually… nothing happens. that’s the problem. frankly, life keeps getting in the way of my blog. funny how that happens!

–

I’ve reanalyzed my blog. my purpose. what I want. why d I lack the motivation to update… etc…. frankly I’ve paired down sites i read significantly. THIS is the age of give aways, and contest. and to be honest, that just isn’t me. I don’t do contest, or give aways, or polls or any other thing that would be aimed at stirring up readership. I don’t mean to be self righteious – because it’s not that. it’s just that it isn’t my style. I don’t enjoy those types of blogs and I am not every going to be that type of blog. Because of that both my readership and my sites I read has narrowed down quite a bit.

what do I like? I like boring old regular blogs. I like to hear what people think, how their days are. I like friends. I like reading about people who enjoy similar things. I like cooking blogs, mommy blogs, gardening blogs, knitting blogs… I like blog that have a blogger who likes to blog. period. subjects, vary… but heart is what I like. even if it’s mundane. I like reading the same blog day in and a day out even when there is nothing much to update about. and I enjoy getting to know new blogs. fresh perspectives, new recipes…. whatever.

what don’t I like? feeling I must keep a certain level of interest in order to be read. and reading blogs which make up for what they lack in heart, with contests and other frills. I just… I don’t like it. If I wanted to win a new sweater/diaper/hair bow/tea towel, I’d enter a contest. But If I want to read a blog about knitting/diapering/cooking/laundry, then I would read a blog about such things. I don’t think those two worlds should be combined… at least not regularly.

so? who cares what I think? right now blogging is all about this. it’s a FAD. I’ve seen them before. I’ve been blogging for 9 yrs now. Yep, 9. I had a blog on one of the very first blogging sites – xanga when it was less than 100 people. it was fun! nobody tried to impress anyone. it was just fun. I’m not into this FAD. so I will wait it out. the contests will die down. the give aways will be all given away. and people will be bored and boring again and I will be happy. Because that’s the kind of blog I enjoy. Boring

in summation… I’m no longer subbing to any blogs that do regular give aways from products THEY don’t make/create themselves. (with a few exceptions – because there are always exceptions).  and I will just be remaining boring old me. so I’m sure I will lack in readership – but i have given myself full permission to not care. I blog because I enjoy it, period.

and in further summation (is that even a thing?) I will let you all now when I find time to actually create a new blog. this one will be very general still. I’m just too tired and uninspired at this time. But to my friends, I didn’t want you to think I just vanished. I will continue to update about KittyKat, Zo, Guppy and my spiritual life when I find the time.

I had to post this publicly b/c I felt it was important enough…

another child dies because of the “doctrine” of Michael and Debi Pearl.

how many more times must this happen before people realize that their books and teachings are not only wrong, but harmful and sick?

this isn’t about spanking vs. gentle discipline. THAT is a whole other topic. one I don’t go into because it’s deep — too deep for a mere post. and it’s personal.

This is about following a method of parenting promoted by a human who thinks his own authority in line with God’s. The dangers of a man who is promotes mercilessness towards children. This is about the extreme dangers of teachings like this falling into the wrong hands which end in a senseless horrific death.

I’m sure this family meant well. I’m sure they loved their children. I’m sure they had no idea they were killing their child. But, because they valued the words of ONE MAN over common sense and conscience put in us by God, a child died. THEIR child died.

I know I have friends who read the Pearls. and it has stopped me from generally ragging on the Pearls in past times. but I must come out now and say what I think to be truth. I am not ragging – I am begging others to consider the consequences of doctrines like the Pearls. There is much danger in this wickedness. So many say they just read the books and take form it what they want. it has some good ideas. well I would agree with that one! it DOES have some good ideas. I’m sure Hitler had some fine ideas, too. but it doesn’t change the fact that at it’s very foundation, it’s wrong. find good ideas elsewhere! no need to look through the books of a man who is sick to find parenting ideals. read your Bible! use your common sense. talk to a older friend. as a trusted family member.

children are not given to us so we can show case their obedience! hey are given to us to care for like precious jewels. To train and teach them… not beat them and scare them. how mortified God must be when He entrusts us to raise a child and we instead shame and beat him.

It’s a sad thing when the word “training” means beating. those two should never be used simultaneously. they have two very different meanings. my heart is heavy.

Dear friends and fellow bloggers,

If you want to still keep up on my life (boring though it is) email me or leave me a comment and I will get back to you with my address to my much more private/protected blog. This blog was great and I really enjoyed it. But, this time in my life I just want to be a little more reclusive. perhaps that will change back sometime… we’ll see!

-Henny